After further review Doug McKenzie The days of the Little League heckler may be numbered

After further review
Doug McKenzie
The days of the Little League heckler may be numbered

Michael Myers was scary in those Halloween movies. The guy with the hockey mask was always good for a scream on Friday the 13th, and that Freddy Krueger character could certainly provoke a nightmare on any street.

But make no mistake about it — few things in the real world are as frightening as a parent who believes his or her child is being cheated on the athletic field.

With more and more incidents of "parents gone wild" (patent pending, so back off, Fox) being reported with every passing season, it’s becoming quite clear that something needs to be done to curb such behavior. Someone needs to create a method of caging these hostile role models before anyone else becomes the target of their passionate, and more often than not misguided, rage.

Well, the good people in charge of the New Brunswick Recreation Department appear to have come up with the latest solution, at least as far as keeping their baseball fields safe. The Rec Department, in conjunction with the city engineer, designed the baseball fields at the city’s new $2.5 million youth sports complex to be essentially parent-proof. Using truckloads of fill, two of the complex’s three fields are raised 10 feet off the ground so anyone standing behind the backstop can’t see the field.

Little League umpires everywhere are at this very moment, breathing easier.

In addition, they placed the bleachers well down the foul line in the outfield, so as to keep the parents away from the dugouts. How does Bob Uecker Stadium sound to everyone?

The result is a fan-unfriendly baseball field, which, by separating the parents from the participants, allows the games to be played without the distractions of the overzealous moms and dads.

Thus far, most people are applauding the design, recognizing both the importance of maintaining the spirit of the game, and of essentially removing the distracting element as much as possible.

And while I, too, recognize the need to do something, I can’t help exploring some other options.

How about a giant soundproof biodome, fully air-conditioned, that would surround the field, leaving the enraged parents on the outside to pound on the glass in a harmless exercise in futility following every call.

Of course, you could always enclose the bleachers and leave the field open, but then you would have to make it a smoke-free environment, thus creating even more hostility.

Or maybe you could enact a rule whereas each guardian is allowed one verbal assault on an umpire or a coach before being fitted with a muzzle? Too inhumane you say? Have you seen some of these parents?

I supposes the folks in New Brunswick are on the right track, but this only helps with baseball games.

What about basketball, where the fans are even closer to the action, and the calls made by the officials are often more controversial? Or the football field, where passionate crowds gather each week to cheer for their team and berate the officials with near similar intensity?

At a recent wrestling match, I saw a pair of officials flee the gym before the heavyweights could pick themselves up off the mat.

And don’t think for a second that soccer parents are any better. Some of the stories you hear about "soccer moms" are enough to send even the thickest-skinned referees into therapy.

Have you ever seen a mother who drove 50 miles to watch her son’s travel soccer team lose 1-0, while her little boy didn’t get into the game because the coach lost track of the time? Well, I have, and I never want to speak of it again.

And don’t think that this type of boorish behavior is exclusive to certain areas. It happens everywhere, and with unsettling frequency.

So while I applaud the actions of the New Brunswick Recreation Department, and recognize that (as ridiculous as this sounds) they were justified, I can’t help viewing this as a problem that can’t be solved through some inventive engineering.

I know that if and when I become a parent, I will do my very best to keep my emotions in check at every sporting event involving my child. I will support my child’s team, and keep my criticisms of the officiating and the coaching to myself.

Either that, or I’ll move to New Brunswick.